It's Election Day. Do you know where your democracy is?

Hey kids,

I bet you were all ready for a no-holds-barred political diatribe today. Well, almost. I was in the midst of putting one together yesterday when I stumbled upon this gem by Bill Moyer. Yes, that Bill Moyer. It's super-long, but it's worth the time invested. Every politician should be forced to read this.

The speech was given to a school organization and is framed around education, but he brings up the socioeconomic ramifications of current and recent-past political policy. In other words, he beat me to the punch. But in a much nicer, more constructive way.

For a long time, I've grappled with one particular adage and how it applies to my relationship with society.

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. (And yes, I've heard it with bees, too, but I believe this is the original saying.)

I know this adage. I believe this adage. I know that I react better when people apply this adage to me. But damn it, sometimes you just want to call a moron a moron.

You see, Bill Moyers eloquently and constructively pointed out issues with the current state of politics, and more specifically, the (mis)allocation of government money. Meanwhile, the little rant on which I was working boiled down to a bunch of name-calling.

I know Mr. Moyer's approach is much more productive and infinitely more likely to persuade people. But I need to get this off my chest, so fasten your seat belts.

People Whose Motives I Can Comprehend

• Old-money Republicans
  You vote in the manner that best protects your financial interests. The candidate advocating tax cuts for you, tax breaks and weakened regulations for your company, and less money to the poor who might usurp you will get your vote.
• Asian Republicans
  You think with your wallet like Old-money Republicans, and you're also a little racist, so you vote with the socially regressive party. Yes, you may have come to this country with nothing and pulled yourself up by your bootstraps (see paragraphs 6 and 7), but that doesn't mean everybody can.
• Fundamentalist Christians (or any fundamentalist zealots)
  You are intolerant and most likely stupid, but it's easy to see where you come from. Your social intelligence has not evolved in two thousand (2,000) years, but your power lies in your numbers. The poor and disenfranchised make up the largest part of any populace and are generally less educated and more easily swayed by the promise of the Kingdom of Heaven™ or 72 virgins or whatever. You are led by a handful of men (and men only) who purportedly do good works but, in reality, are only furthering their own agenda. You are followers; there's a reason the Bible refers to people as a flock. Since you can't comprehend fire, you attribute its origins to an all-powerful deity. You are only one step removed from the polytheists from whence you sprang.
• Rich Democrats
  You try to prove that you have a heart. You may have been born into affluence, but you're not deluded enough to think that you would have ended up in the same place were you not afforded the benefits of wealth and status (see above, Old-money Republicans). Some seek to balance the scales by helping the poor, some seek to atone for the circumstances of their birth, some have a social conscience. Some just want to get pot legalized.

People Whose Motives I Cannot, for the Life of Me, Comprehend

• Poor Republicans
  You are financially challenged, yet you continually back the party that takes from the poor and gives to the rich, the party that underfunds education so that your children and children's children are stuck with your fate. You say that you vote with your values. Which values are those? Intolerance? Bigotry? Is your racism so virulent that you would condemn yourself to poverty and stupidity as long as you can continue to look down on the blacks and Latinos and gays?
• Black (or Latino or especially Gay) Republicans
  You affiliate yourself with the party of the Rich, White Male™. Why? Oh, because you yearn to be accepted into that club. And the country club. But you're no Tiger Woods. So you're either: A.) rich, and you bootstrapped yourself (see above, Asian Republicans), and no one is getting any of your money or B.) you vote with your "values," a combination of religious intolerance and bigotry, more than your brain (see above, Fundamentalist Christians and Poor Republicans).
• Third-Party Voters
  Yes, yes. You're voting your conscience. Bully for you. Most likely, you're socially and economically liberal (and how did "liberal" get turned into a bad word?), educated, and should know better. In a sea of red states, your only power is to dilute the blue voting pool so that the social regressives remain in control. This isn't Italy, thank «insert your choice of deity». There aren't twenty political parties in Congress, mucking up the process and not accomplishing anything. Two parties is quite enough to do that, thank you. So why the fuck are you voting for the Green Party?!? The Dems might not have your commitment to the environment, but they're a hell of a lot better than the drill-and-log (cabin) Republicans.
• Non-voters
  I understand that you don't think your vote makes a difference. But it does. Two good illustrations for you? This and this. So stop yer bitchin' and do something about it.

Now that I've offended everyone... What are you waiting for? Get out there and vote.