Stocking the Home Bar, Part 4: Te-Kill-Ya

One tequila, two tequilas, three tequilas... floor.

Salt, shot, lime.

Everyone has one. A tequila story. And I don't even have to explain what I'm talking about.

Right now, you're flashing back to the night you spent splayed out on your bathroom floor, futilely trying to drive the porcelain bus back to sobriety or, at the very least, to somewhere the world wasn't violently spinning.

Or perhaps it was the night you decided that dancing on the bar was a fabulous idea. Until it wasn't.

As for me, it was a Thursday work mixer at which I consumed too much red wine before taking a cab to a Mission dive bar to meet a different cadre of friends. As I walked through the door, a "friend" bought me two prairie fires (tequila shots with a few shakes of Tabasco at the bottom) and a plain tequila chaser, which I promptly ingested. Cut to the next morning when, feeling remarkably wonderful, I awoke early, got to work early and started doing some damn good work. When nature called an hour later, I went to the bathroom and realized that I was still drunk just seconds before letting loose a veritable geyser of agave-flavored red wine residue.

Surely, my finest hour.

And yet, I still love tequila. I probably like it more now than I did then. Most likely, that's because I can afford better tequila. Also I now know better.

Unfortunately, I continue to meet people who won't drink tequila because of their "Tequila Night." Some can't even smell the lovely, singular, peppery sweetness without convulsing involuntarily.

My theory: no one has "vodka nights" because vodka is odorless and flavorless. Their brain has nothing to latch onto, except perhaps a specific mixer. Tequila, on the other hand, causes the most negative associations because it is richly flavored and odored. If you have a bad tequila experience, the smell and taste, distinct as they are, will stick in your brain. Your sense memory will forever stab you in the back.

Hopefully, a little information will make you feel better about Mexico's finest spirit, so listen up because I'm about to drop some knowledge.

tequila : mezcal : : cognac : brandy

Just as cognac is a territorially demarcated type of brandy, so is tequila a territorially demarcated type of mezcal. Tequila must be made of blue agave (agave azul tequilana weber) and produced within a special area (mostly in the Mexican state of Jalisco). For additional technical information, I recommend you visit Viva Tequila and Wikipedia.

More important to the casual drinker are the aging standards, which I'm reposting from the Wikipedia article (because you should see this).

• oro ("gold") or – unaged tequila which is "joven y abogado" (young and adulterated) which means that caramel, fructose, glycerin and wood flavoring can be added to resemble aged tequila
• blanco (white) or plata ("silver") – not aged white spirit)
• reposado ("rested" – aged a minimum of 2 months but less than a year in oak barrels)
• añejo ("aged" or "vintage" – aged minimum 1 year but less than 3 years in oak barrels)
• maduro ("ultra-aged" or "vintage" – aged minimum 3 year in oak barrels) This is a new category which was established in March 2006, represented on the bottles as "Extra Añejo".

Joven y abogado? Glycerin and wood flavoring? Now you see why I don't drink gold tequilas. *eeewwwwww*

Honestly, I prefer reposados. The short wood contact smoothes out most of the rough edges and imparts a touch of oak flavor (baking spices and wood notes) while leaving a little fire. And you can't beat a good reposado in a margarita.

[Side note: while establishments like Fat Tuesday might be lovely places for spring break, the concept of a bargain-basement alcoholic slushee turns my stomach. Then again, I dislike "frozen" drinks in general. Except when on a beach. Or in Vegas.]

You will also notice the newest age class of tequila, the maduro or extra añejo. Does all the extra oak improve the tequila? That's up to you to decide. I wouldn't mix it with anything, that's for sure. The most obvious example, the Jose Cuervo Reserva de la Familia, tastes of sweet baking spice, vanilla, and mellow black pepper with nuances of orange peel and earth. It's really quite good, but in a cognac / single malt scotch way, which is to say that it's a sipper, not a shooter or mixer.

For your home bar needs, I'd say that you should keep it in the family. If you like Patrón, go ahead and buy the blanco, reposado, and añejo. Most people do. The Gran Patrón Platinum might be a bit of a stretch, though, unless you're stocking a much nicer home bar than the rest of us.

I prefer Partida (who doesn't like reposado aged in Jack Daniel's barrels?) and Herradura. Once again, it's up to you. If you want to track down the small, family-owned craft distillers, more power to you. These selections should be more readily available.

And if you're one of those poor souls who can't get over his "Tequila Night," I'd like to suggest a Bloody Maria.

Yes, it's a Bloody Mary with tequila instead of vodka.

Yes, it's really good.

Make sure you have it with brunch on a morning after a sober night. Have the bartender make it light, initially. Have it with celery and olives. Have it with bacon and eggs. You'll be surprised how easily it goes down.