Feeling Moist

Granted, this is probably something about which I could just as easily twitter, but it seems more fun to post here. Besides, you don't get to post these provocative titles on twitter, either.

In any case, I have a confession to make.

I use body wash, not bar soap.

"Oooo... manly," you're thinking.

Abso-fucking-lutely.

But seriously, I just don't like feeling all waxy after I'm done showering. I do use bar soap a couple times a week, but I've found that body wash (Lever, for those of you who are interested) makes my skin feel better. Not softer to the touch, just more healthy and hydrated. Yes, my manliness is just stunning your pants off right now.

Well, I was in Target a few months ago, when I saw a new Olay body wash. It was on sale and smelled, at the time, not too floral and slightly of raspberries, so I decided to try it. (Looking at their page, I'm now feeling cheated because Target only had the one kind, Crème Ribbons with Almond Oil, and I'm sure I would have chosen the Aloe kind instead, had I been given the choice.)

Anyway, I used it for the first time recently, and I've had a stunning and horrifying epiphany.

This body wash makes me smell like a stripper.

Guys, you know the smell that I'm talking about. It's that slightly sickening stench of... freesia, I think. Floral with hints of stem that make it smell like she's on the verge of developing bad B.O. Floral that, when combined with the sweat of lap dancing and the accumulated bacteria slick of the pole, becomes a miasma of suffocation much like the field of poppies in The Wizard of Oz, except not at all pleasant. Curse my highly developed sense of smell.

And if that weren't bad enough, it's almost greasy. Yes yes, I know it's supposed to be moisturizing, but this is ridiculous. It's almost as if I've mixed Vaseline and soap into a bottle of cheap freesia-scented body spray and smeared it over my body.

But I'm not going to throw it away.

Why not, you ask?

Because it's the perfect camouflage. If ever I want to go to a strip club without Brandy knowing, all I have to do is use the damn Olay. Then I can just tell her that I smell like strippers because I used the stripper body wash that morning.

Now if I could just figure out a way to make sure I get all the glitter off my face...